


Glitch.

by coffecolors



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Character Death, Drama, Drama & Romance, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Graduation, Implied Sexual Content, Kidnapping, Loss, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of marriage, Mystery, Sexual Tension, Timelines, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffecolors/pseuds/coffecolors
Summary: Kim Jongin gets stuck in a neverending loop on graduation day. He has to figure out what life is trying to tell him to finally make the right decisions.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongin | Kai, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Kim Jongin | Kai/Lu Han, Kim Jongin | Kai/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37
Collections: The GraduaXion





	1. 2020

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I hope you enjoy this "little" piece that stressed me so much I've grown white hairs. This is inspired by the movie Before I fall (2017), a little bit of DARK and the song Pluto by Sleeping at last. As always a big thank you to the kind, understanding and so, so patient Mods for running this beautiful fest. Also to my beta for helping me in literally everything(i♡u)

_“I wake up more awake than I’ve ever been before.  
_ _Still I’m pinned under the weight  
_ _of what I believed would keep me safe.  
_ _Show me where my armour ends,_ _  
__show me where my skin begins.  
_ _Like a final puzzle piece,  
_ _it all makes perfect sense to me”_ _  
__  
_— _pluto, sleeping at last._

* * *

On December 15th of 2020, Jongin wakes up feeling extremely uneasy, his heart beating uncontrollably from the dream he just had. The thing is… He doesn’t remember what he was dreaming about anymore but the confusing feelings remain in his body. 

“Ah, what was that?” He asks himself. His voice groggy, throat totally bruised from all the crazy drinking he had last night. 

“Feeling like shit too?” Baekhyun enters the room a few moments later with aspirin and water in hand. He’s wearing Jongin’s shirt. He recalls the intense and rough sex they had last night even after they were drunk as fuck. They probably didn’t last much, all he can remember are blurry images of Baekhyun thighs spread open and the moans in his ear. 

“Come on, take this and go shower,” he slowly places the pill on his hand, “we gotta get ready soon. The ceremony starts at 3 PM” Jongin simply obeys and after he swallows the big, disgusting pill he chugs intensely on the glass of water. He will finally feel like himself again. 

“Do we have to?” Jongin complains.  
  


“Yes, we have to. Now, quick…” On another occasion where his body wouldn’t be close to collapsing, he would insist on Baekhyun showering with him, instead, he just places a soft kiss on his lips and slowly caresses his bottom under the shirt. “Was I too rough last night?” 

“Honestly? I don’t remember, but I can’t feel anything from the waist down” Baekhyun adds a few more kisses. “Now go!” He pushes him into the bathroom, the sudden movement making him whimper.

When he gets out of the bathroom, Baek is waiting for him, who receives him with lots of kisses and soft caresses on the damp skin of his torso, but soon after he ushers him to get ready. He is unable to reach his hand to pull him back and instead he has to comply and do as he was told. 

Baekhyun approaches him later when Jongin is trying to match a nice tie with his boring black suit, Baekhyun looks absolutely adorable and desirable with his blue, silky suit. 

“Are we going to visit Jongdae after graduation?”

“Yeah…” Jongin sighs “Let’s pull up to the flower shop before going, I want to give him some beautiful flowers… lilies, perhaps?”

Lilies had a beautiful meaning.

“Yeah, he deserves them”

The graduation is in a few hours and he starts getting so nervous he might throw up… he actually does and the scrambled eggs Baekhyun made for him are now flushing down the toilet. So they make plans to have lunch first and Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are already waiting for them. 

The ride is quiet—Baekhyun seems to be too immersed in his own thoughts to care about the annoying music the radio is playing. Jongin himself starts thinking about their relationship. They both got job offers in different law firms and that will translate into less time together. Under those circumstances, the first thing that comes to his mind is marriage. 

He knows Baekhyun is more like a free soul and doesn’t want to get married so soon, but they’ve been together for four years now, they know each other too well. They’ve been there for each other when things got rough… there’s nothing Jongin doesn’t know about Baekhyun and he still loves to discover new things about him, like how he screams to the world that he hates cucumbers but eats them in secret with lemon and some salt when he’s upset about something. Or how his sex drive sometimes is so high he can’t keep up with him in bed. Nevertheless, he loves Baekhyun so much he doesn’t know how he would have managed to get to this day without him, to actually be in his own graduation. 

He loves him so much that he’s willing to wait as much as Baekhyun wants to finally settle in —although they already act like a married couple, he loves the idea of making his boyfriend completely his, attached to each other until death did them apart. Anyway, that was a sensitive topic. When they first started dating he had to beg for a whole year for them to call themselves _boyfriends_ . Now aiming for _husbands_ … He isn’t sure how long that would take.

But now, he thinks Baekhyun is over his commitment issues.

“Should we get married?” Jongin blurts out and Baekhyun chokes on his own saliva. 

“What?” 

Or so he thought. 

Baekhyun brings him back to the ground when he says “I think we are just fine like this” 

Jongin’s grip on the steering wheel hardens. 

“Forget it”

Baekhyun has no trouble forgetting the—really small—discussion. And again, the ride is quiet for the remainder of the trajectory but now the mood is off.

Minutes later, in the middle of a cheap restaurant there are four grown-up children pulling off expensive suits, trying not to stain themselves with tomato soup. 

Then there is a sudden silence between them as if they could not believe that in less than forty minutes everything that they once knew as college was going to disappear from their lives just like that. 

Baekhyun’s been tense since he brought up the marriage talk. 

"Did you manage to prepare your speech?" Kyungsoo starts after he finishes eating, distracting him from his thoughts.

"Yes, I think... Jongdae’s going to like it"

"I’m sure of it, Jongin, you will do well" Chanyeol is the one speaking this time, too soft for his own liking. Contrary to his friend’s intention, it makes him uncomfortable. Jongin doesn't want to look his friends in the eye, as he slowly feels those supportive glances turn into looks of pity for him.

Baekhyun pats him lightly on the back, then insists that he should finish eating his plate of pasta so they can order dessert. Today is a special day, today they deserve it. Their little meeting slowly turns into their usual ones, full of jokes and laughter, especially Kyungsoo’s when he hears something really funny and ends up bringing the whole restaurant’s attention to them. Baekhyun seems to have forgotten about the topic since he’s clinging onto him again, giving Jongin’s heart relief. 

With bellies full of chocolate and a lot of whipped cream, they get into Jongin's car to head to the end of their student’s journey.

Making his way through the university feels strange, knowing that he will never set foot on that campus ever again, especially when their best memories were made there —where, in some way, he felt safe because there wasn’t so much uncertainty about what could happen in the future. Now, in that precise moment, fear was eating Jongin and the other four hundred students alive.

Walking around campus in a suit, mortarboard and gown doesn’t feel comfortable at all. Jongdae would probably be asking them to lift the mood, but without him around, it's not that easy. It’s Baekhyun who tries to cheer up the other three by buying them the last mint shake they will have in there. Again, they deserve it. 

In the gigantic auditorium, he caught sight of Luhan, Jongdae's ex-boyfriend. He graduated a long time ago, but he knew his speech was the main reason he’s present.

He’s the last one to speak. They go through all the protocols: the Director’s speech, the most academically recognized students, the handing of diplomas. And finally, Jongin’s speech. 

He has to wait to make his appearance, standing awkwardly at the back of the platform. 

“And now…” The director starts, “Some words from our now lawyer Kim Jongin, who’s got some important words to say that I hope you all respectfully pay attention to”

Jongin slowly walks to the podium, bowing at the Director before standing in front of a hundred students. With the heart on his mouth and a shaking hand, he grabs the microphone, causing a painful echo.

"G-Good afternoon, graduates of the 2020 generation" His voice breaks but he quickly recovers. He needs to do good for Jongdae and his friends.

"Today we celebrate a day where we are finally recognized for all our efforts and all the hard work of these five years. I think the director already covered everything important to be said on a day like this. Now I’m standing here in front of you to talk about a terrible thing that happened to this university, which we must not forget. 

Today we’re also here to commemorate Kim Jongdae. Today is the fourth anniversary since this dedicated, cheerful student went missing on December 15 of 2016. Kim Jongdae, who could have been graduating next to us this day. He could be sitting here in front of me among so many, in his robe and hat that would probably look ridiculous to him. Even though he’s not here with us… I want to share some of his words, words he told me before he went missing. 

_Take care, man_

Yes, as simple as that. Take care, people. Because you may never know what’s going to happen next.

But I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or Jongdae, on the contrary… I want his simple words to remain in the hearts of each of you in this room right now.

  
  
Also, this is a call for everyone to pay more attention to each of your friends. Are they struggling with something? Help them, or try to find the ways to support them, notice every detail… because you never know if, in the end, you could save your friend’s life. Maybe that was my mistake. I was too busy having fun that I didn’t look after Jongdae that fatidical night and if I had paid more attention, maybe he would be the one standing here giving the most amazing speech for the future generation of lawyers. 

You might be thinking, is this dude really bringing up sad things on a happy day like this? Yes, and I’m not afraid to talk about it, because it’s something common. The loss of a loved one is something many may be going through at some point in their lives.

I’ll leave you with this quote that I found quite endearing: “What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” by Helen Keller, a teacher and activist. Adding to the quote, I hope it encourages you to enjoy your friends, your family, your future co-workers, every case you get as future lawyers, your clients. Treasure every aspect of your life because once it’s gone, we always regret that we didn’t appreciate those moments enough. Live with no regrets, tell that important person that you love them, take care of them, hug them… let them know how important they are for you, let them know you miss them...”

  
  
That’s not the very end of the speech, but Kim Jongin is too overwhelmed to continue and, as pathetic as he is, he ends up crying. He could endure the heavy tears while the crowd went wild, offering a wave of applauses, but after he stepped outside the podium, tears just kept falling at an amazing speed, blurring his vision. 

Baekhyun is there to embrace him tightly, giving him soft kisses around his neck. “You did so well… Jongdae would be so proud of you” He repeats Chanyeol’s words. “I’m sure he is”

The angsty atmosphere fades as soon as the ceremony ends. Baekhyun doesn’t allow him to be sad more than necessary by cracking thousands of jokes that he knows are going to make him laugh, Chanyeol constantly tries to tickle him everywhere.

  
  
And then there’s Kyungsoo, holding his hand firmly, a grip that could equal more than a thousand spoken consolations and that’s the comfort he craves. 

His friend slowly presses his forehead against his, his voice only just a whisper when he decides to say some words, “You know, Jongin… There’s this song that goes like… _The memories that fill our hands are part of our precious story, even all the unspoken worries, and all the deeply paved scars, time will wash them all away. Like the sun and moon that rises and sets, naturally let the heartbreaking days go, it’s alright_ … Everything will be okay, Jongin” 

Jongin’s breath hitches and he takes a moment to take it all in, at last, he feels a bit calmer. Kyungsoo's right. 

“Thank you” 

  
“Stop being so cheesy like this!” Baekhyun complaints. “I’m gonna get jealous” 

Finally, they take the legendary picture of the students throwing their mortarboards into the air. And they’re free. With their next station being the flower shop. 

“Jongin” He hears an overly familiar voice call out to him in the parking lot when he is about to open the car door. Kyungsoo, who is the last to enter, gives him a worried look, but Jongin reassures him everything’s alright.

  
“Hey…”

“Luhan” His heart tightens “hello… I, I saw you there… in the audience”

“Of course. Minseok told me and I couldn’t miss it”

Silence. Jongin looks at Luhan, neat suit and perfectly brushed blond hair. 

“It was beautiful, Jongin…” Luhan looks down. “I’m sure Jongdae would love to hear those words from you” and Jongin scoffs, trying not to roll his eyes. 

"Are you going somewhere later?"

"Yes. We are going to visit Jongdae, actually. I gotta go" Jongin slowly turns around, not daring to even say goodbye, but Luhan stops him by grabbing the fabric of his gown. 

Luhan ponders for a moment.

"Can I go with you?"

And maybe Jongin should've said no.

“Sure, why not”

Baekhyun silently scolds him with a frown.

“This is Luhan” The aforementioned smiles kindly, Chanyeol seems in total awe and yeah, Jongin knows that’s a really beautiful man. “Luhan, this is my boyfriend: Baekhyun. And they are Chanyeol, and his boyfriend, you already know Kyungsoo”

There is an awkward silence. Chanyeol doesn't understand why there is a sudden tension filling the vehicle, but he tries to brighten the situation by trying to connect his Bluetooth to Jongin’s car and blast some cheerful music. 

The stop at the flower shop doesn't last long, but he has Luhan stuck to his back with the idea of buying a couple of roses for Jongdae as well. This time Jongin does roll his eyes. If only the other had shown this kind of interest years ago, perhaps their relationship would be totally different.

There is a sign outside the store about the power plant belonging to Jongdae's parents, looking for an engineer to hire, someone experienced who is familiar with chemicals of all sorts. It seems like an odd request but he doesn’t focus on that, his mind strays to thoughts of if only Jongdae was alive he could have become the next CEO for the company. Who knows, even Jongin might have ended up working alongside him. 

Jongin gets the flowers he wants and takes the opportunity to buy Baekhyun a rose. He doesn’t like big bouquets anyway.

Back in the car, Baekhyun seems more relaxed, who purposely kisses him deeply when he makes sure Luhan is watching. “Thanks for the rose, I love you”

“And I love you too, but Baekhyun, love, please put your seatbelt on?” Jongin asks in desperation.

“What for, the cemetery is just 10 minutes away”

“I think Jongin’s right” Kyungsoo interrupts in a worried tone. 

“Stop being all paranoid, chill”

Not being able to insist more, they headed to their next stop: Jongdae’s grave.

His friends never managed to meet Jongdae except for Kyungsoo. Still, he thanks them for all the support they give him when he talks about him, never getting angry for not letting him go, and it even surprises him that every December 15 they accompany him to leave flowers at the cemetery.

A thunder freaks Jongin out, making him lose focus on the road and the car stumbles a little bit, but he recovers as soon as he can because the last thing he wants is to cause a catastrophe. Heavy rain starts to pour on them, the gray clouds covering the sky that was previously shining with a beautiful sun.

  
  
“Baekhyun! Your seatbelt, please!”

“Stop worrying! It’s just stupid rain” and as stubborn as he is, the seatbelt remains intact.

The road gets gradually slippery and he struggles to keep control of the car. The fog spreads all over the highway and when he turns on the front lights of his car, they twitch a few times.

“Huh, that’s weird”

His friends are too distracted on the back to notice what’s happening and Baekhyun is facing the backseat, singing with the rest at the top of his lungs. Luhan seems to have relaxed around his friends —checking on the rearview, he sees a wide smile plastered all over the blond’s gorgeous face. The music abruptly stops, making the others turn their attention to the front to inspect what’s happening.

“Jongin, watch out!” 

Baekhyun screams before Jongin is unable to have complete control of the steering wheel as he tries to avoid a truck dangerously close, making the car collide against a light pole. Jongin hears the screams, sees how Baekhyun bumps into the front glass, lilies and roses flying everywhere before Jongin himself smashes his head against the headboard, slightly wondering about the broken airbag.

Everything goes pitch black.


	2. Kim Jongin

**_December 15th of 2016._ **

Jongin wakes up from an unpleasant nightmare, mildly jumping on the bed because of the sudden crash he was part of in his dream. His heart is racing and his head is throbbing; it takes him a moment to calm down before he can fully open his lids. 

“Ah, what was that?” He complains. When he tries to get out of the bed he realizes that not only his head but his body is aching so fucking bad that he needs a second, stumbling back on the couch.

His old posters are plastered on the wall, Baekhyun’s belongings are nowhere to be seen and the pile of his boyfriend’s clothes is gone as well.  
  


An old yet familiar ringtone fills the room.

He tries to guess where the sound is coming from, finding it tangled under a pile of dirty laundry. Still a little dizzy and without his contact lenses, he can't see or distinguish absolutely anything. He still manages to slide his finger across the green button on the screen.

"Hey, bitchass!" He would recognize that voice everywhere.

It's Jongdae. He stays still from the shock, his body trembling… If that was a dream, it was an incredibly realistic one. 

“J-Jongdae? Is it you?”

  
  
“Of course, it's me! Who else could it be?” Jongdae laughs over the phone. "Don't tell me you stayed drinking until late again"

Jongin begins to walk around the apartment. He needs to pee so badly that he's about to tell Jongdae he needs to call him later. If it was a dream nothing bad would happen. On the other hand, the situation feels so real that he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. He wants to keep listening to his friend’s voice.

“Hey, do you know what is the address of the party? Luhan hasn't said anything to me yet and I'm starting to worry. We have… No, we _must_ go”

“What party, what...?”

“... What the hell, Jongin? We’ve waited for this party all year long! Don't tell me you forgot it was today”

Jongin starts running through his apartment trying to find some calendar that tells him what date it is: The current page is in December 2016. That calendar must be old as fuck. Then he looks at the date on his phone but is met with something similar: December 15, 2016. 

_2016._

“Jongin? Still there?”

  
  
“Yeah, yeah, what were you saying?”

“Pay attention, dude. Luhan’s just texted me. He’s gonna pick us up soon. We’ll be there in ten”

  
  
“In ten? What time…?”

  
  
“For god’s sake, Kim Jongin, what’s going on with you today? I’ll give you fifteen minutes then. You better be ready”

Jongdae hangs up right away and Jongin cannot move.

Jongin can’t wrap his mind around what the fuck is going on but he simply decides that if he can enjoy Jongdae’s presence one more time, then so be it.

“Jongdae!” He can't keep up with the rush of emotions that suddenly engulfs when he sees his best friend standing in front of him, Jongdae’s angry expression for being late be damned, Jongin runs to hug the human he has missed so much for the last five years.

“He−” Jongdae can't speak anymore because his friend has taken all the air out from his lungs by the impact of the hug. Still, affectionate contact doesn't seem to bother him. “It’s been years since you hug me like that, did the alcohol finally screw your head?”

Jongdae is an adorable, sweet boy, and he leans his cheek on Jongin's right shoulder while enjoying the embrace. Jongin feels the tears spill and slides down his own cheeks. He knows it may be nothing but a dream, nevertheless, it feels so real and he is _so happy_ that he doesn't mind extending the moment for more than five minutes because that's what he needs ... Just a few more minutes by his side.  
  


“Y’all done?” A voice interrupts. Jongin immediately stiffens and pulls away to see Luhan getting out of the car, urging them to get in. 

The intimate moment the friends were sharing is finally broken; quickly, Jongin wipes away his tears and replaces the feeling of longing with expectation. 

The party had already begun by the time they arrived. The same atmosphere, the same mix of music, the same number of people who were growing more and more by the second. Soon he was pushed inside the disco by Luhan. Jongdae had already disappeared from his sight and that’s all it takes for him to start panicking.

"Jongdae? Where's Jongdae?" He goes pale, recalling the feelings he went through the day after the party. "Where is he?!"

“He's getting us drinks, calm down”

Right, of course. It's a dream, after all, nothing bad can happen. 

Jongdae comes back with beverages heavy on vodka, balancing three little cups on his tiny hands. 

“Cheers” He starts and proceeds to let the vodka burn down his throat. He exchanges glances between Luhan and his best friend, who are already in party mode and soon enough they start eating each other's mouths in front of him. Gross. 

“Whatever, I'm out of here” He quietly goes off to find some fun in there.

It feels strange, though. Seeing his old crush kiss his best friend again, it doesn't hurt as much as before. Actually, it doesn’t hurt at all.

He barely remembers that this is where he met Baekhyun, and he is on a mission to find the love of his life as soon as possible before another madman tries to steal him away; not on his watch. He bumps into a bunch of unknown people. He can feel their heat, the slight touches of girls and boys who want to seduce him into dancing with them. The whole situation feels too real, he can recognize everything so clearly it’s actually giving him chills. 

“Baekhyun! Hey!” He sees his boyfriend for the first time in the night—wait, he was supposed to be single at the time, and 19-year-old Baekhyun looks absolutely stunning. 

“Jongin-ah, hey…” Baek turns on the flirty tone he always uses with him “I was hoping to see you”

“You have me right here” He bites his own lips, trying to flirt back. 

He does the crazy things he usually wouldn't do before. He's not afraid to smash Baekhyun into the nearest wall of the nightclub to swallow him up in intense kisses. After a rough make-out session, they break apart to catch their breaths. 

“I missed you” Jongin whispers against the soft lips, barely opened to receive his tongue just seconds later.

Baekhyun's perfect hands get lost under his shirt, and Jongin's hands sneak down to feel his full, perky ass. He’s about to drag him out of the place just to have a proper taste of him, but someone interrupts him by touching him on one of his shoulders. 

“Jongin”

The above-mentioned moans into Baekhyun’s mouth.

“Jongin!”

“Fuck! What! What is it?!”

He must stop pressing himself against his partner to turn around, obviously annoyed by the disturbance, but his expression softens when he sees it’s Jongdae in front of them. He’s also too horny to notice his friend's gloomy appearance.

“Jongin... I think I'm gonna leave now”

“Huh? Why? We barely got here an hour ago. You can't leave me, I don't know anyone else in here”

“Uh, you seem to be having a lot of fun right there”

“Ah, yes, uh…” Baekhyun’s flushed face makes his boner hurt against his pants “Jongdae, this is Byun Baekhyun. Baek, this is my best friend Jongdae”

  
  
“A pleasure, Baekhyun. I’ll stay to chat another time. I’m heading first with Luhan, okay?”

  
  
“Sure. I’ll call you later”

  
  
“Take care, man”

As soon as he gets back to Baekhyun's mouth, he loses track of time. He's there in the middle of a cheap motel, thrusting into Baekhyun again and again, harder and faster, and the deeper Baekhyun buries his nails on his skin, the deeper Jongin tries to fuck him. Both of them, completely sober, but getting drunk on each other the same way it happened the first time. 

They come back hours later, satisfied and glued to each other as if they were the perfect couple. Jongin is about to laugh because actually, in the future, they are. His hint of a smile disappears when a worried Luhan appears in his vision. 

“Have you seen Jongdae? I thought you were together”

“I was with Baekhyun all night. He told me he would go with you…”

“Fuck, no”

It was supposed to be a dream, a harmless dream where nothing could happen to Jongdae. The flashbacks were intense and the panic came back like the strongest wave.

Shouting his friend's name nonstop is worthless, the endless voicemails are not enough. 

Jongdae’s nowhere to be found.

**_December 15th, 2020._ **

He springs out of bed.

Jongin feels disoriented. Could it be a weird continuous dream? Could it be that he’s in a coma after the accident? He barely opens his eyes to register where he is. Baekhyun’s stuff is everywhere, even clothes that seem to be from last night, a couple of used condoms… 

“Feeling like shit too?” Baekhyun enters the room a few moments later. He’s wearing Jongin’s shirt. 

“What?”

  
  
“Come on, take this and go shower” Baekhyun kisses him on the forehead as a good morning greeting and silently hands him the pill and a glass of water.

Jongin narrows his eyes. Wait a minute... Didn’t he already do this? Or not?

"Love, I just had the most lucid dream you can imagine"

He rubs his eyes insistently, trying to remove the heaviness from his eyelids.

"What was it about?" 

He genuinely wants to talk about his dream, but there’s a knot in his throat and inexplicably he can’t utter a word about it. Baekhyun looks at him, expectant, but nothing comes out of his mouth.

“Hm, it’s okay… you can tell me later. Now go shower, we’ll be late” 

Baekhyun stops him before he enters the bathroom. 

“Are we going to visit Jongdae after graduation?”

“...Yes,” Jongin replies.

This time silence fills the car, it’s Jongin who breaks it again.

“Do you remember the night we met?” He decides to bring that up thinking back about this morning's odd dream. “Who would have believed that we would be together four years later…”

“Yeah, that's... a long time” 

Baekhyun fidgets in his seat. Soon he stops looking at him, in an attempt to avoid the imminent topic. Jongin tries to choose his words more carefully this time.

“Don't you think we should settle down?”

“Not now, Jongin. We are perfectly fine like this” 

_Same day, same answer._

Everything looks strangely familiar, a total dejavu. No, in fact, he feels —and deep down he knows, that he has already lived through all this. Standing in front of the podium _,_ he trembles when it's time to recite his speech. He sees the letters on the paper, totally blurred, unreadable. 

_"Good afternoon, graduates of the 2020 generation..."_

Next thing he knew tears were overflowing, Baekhyun hugged him, Chanyeol tickled him, then Kyungsoo's words. Luhan. 

That takes him to the parking lot, with Luhan nicely asking to take him with them to the cemetery. 

“Please? I just want to say hi to Jongdae” Of course Jongin had to agree. 

“Baekhyun, the seatbelt” He repeats once but not twice. He doesn’t care anymore when his boyfriend ignores him.

He's too far gone to get off the car when they pull up in front of the flower shop, and it's Baekhyun who buys flowers for Jongdae on his behalf. Well, if the day is repeating itself, he's expecting a rose... but Baek comes back empty-handed save for the lilies, nothing else for Jongin. The sigh he lets out is only noticed by Kyungsoo, who asks him if he’s okay. 

“I’m just tired” 

The growing headache is too intense to ignore. He resents the way Baekhyun sings, too loud for his poor brain. And Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol and even Luhan. It starts to rain, the lights twitch and Jongin is too angry to care, the road is slippery but he barely tries to keep the car steady. The music stops playing and a rumble of thunder scares the shit out of them.

“Jongin, watch out!” 

  
There’s a violent impact. Flowers flying everywhere, Baekhyun crashing against the windshield.

  
  
Everything goes pitch back, once again.


	3. Byun Baekhyun

**_December 15th of 2016._ **

This time he wakes up in cold sweat.

“What the fuck”

His body fills with terror. The panic he gets from waking up in the same old apartment is too big to contain. He runs to the bathroom to wash his face several times in a vague attempt to fully wake up from that nightmare. 

Baekhyun's belongings are nowhere to be found, even if he desperately searches in the depths of his closet for any trace of his boyfriend. 

"What the actual… fuck?"

His old Samsung furiously basts his ringtone in between a pile of clothes. Upon finding the device, he answers in a second.

“Jongdae?!”

“Hey, man! I’ve been calling you all day long. Everything alright?”

He has to sit up for a moment in bed while he frantically brushes his own wet hair as if that would bring him back down to earth. 

“Jongin? Are you there?”

It's too hard for him to calm down, so he tries to take a big chunk of air before he talks again, “What day is it?”

"You okay, man?” Jongdae seems genuinely worried.

  
  
“What day is it?!”

  
  
“Okay! Chill, it's Thursday”

"Yes, but, the... the number, the year... I need to know"

"Uhm, the 15th? 2016?"

"Holy fuck" Jongin starts pinching himself on his thighs, pulling his hair, poking his own abdomen to see if he can wake up from the stupid dream. 

“I don’t know what are you on but... I’m calling to say we’re picking you up in an hour. That gives you plenty of time to get ready. The party, remember? The one we’ve been waiting all year long?”

Jongin gets a full slap on his cheek. From himself. This gotta be a joke. “Crap. Yes, of course…”

Never in his life had he been so anxious as he was now. When they arrive at the club, Jongin takes him away from Luhan for a second so that he can talk in private.

"Jongdae, when you want to go, look for me and we'll go, okay? No matter what happens. Look for me, call me, I'll go home with you."

His friend just mussed up his hair and assured him that everything would be fine —in fact, he promised him that they would have the best time ever as that was supposed to be the best party in all of Seoul. Jongin doesn't know whether to tell him that it could be in fact the worst party ever and that he never wants to experience it again. He barely lets him go out in the crowd with Luhan, and he has no choice but to try to find Baekhyun so he can help him find a solution and save Jongdae. 

“Jongin-ah, hey”

The problem is, he's not able to resist the walking sin that his boyfriend is. This time they don't even make it to the motel, instead, they get themselves locked in a bathroom cubicle–he has one hand covering Baekhyun's mouth while he makes his best effort not to moan louder than usual, although, with the loud music, he doubts that anyone can realize what they’re up to. Moreover, he believes that they’re not the only ones. 

“Harder... Harder, please” 

The amazing thing about having shared four years by his side, is that he knows all of Baekhyun's sensitive points, knows how to push him to the edge, and how easily can he make him come untouched. He takes advantage of that when he gets rougher later, making Baekhyun come twice in a matter of minutes.

After they come down from their high, Jongin notices that his phone has been vibrating in the back of his pants for the last few minutes and who knows for how much longer. He's multitasking as he attempts to listen to the voice message that his best friend has sent him and at the same time tries to stop Baekhyun who is already asking for another round. Being honest, he’s drained. 

_“Jongin, hey, I know it’s been a couple of hours only but I don’t feel good so I called a taxi. I know what you said earlier about to tell you and shit but I don’t want to ruin the fun for you. Love you. Take care, man”_

Jongin thinks of himself as a good lover. He wants to make sure his baby boy is pleased, but this is a matter of life or death. “Baby, I... I gotta go. My best friend needs me”

Seeing Baekhyun's pouty puppy face after sex does not help at all, being too weak to face such expressions and actually having to say no. This guy, no doubt, always knew how to get his full attention, but in his contemplation of how to get an erection again, a little voice in his head reminds him that he will have Baekhyun in the future, but not Jongdae. 

“He’s not important… Stay with me”

His mind clicks, getting back to his own senses. 

“What?”

“Just leave him. He’s fine”  
  


As tempting as his boyfriend may be, he can't let go of his friend just because he has the desire to screw him again. 

“Baekhyun, he needs me” He pleads. “Come with me. I promise you I will reward you, just… come with me”

He thanks the gods when Baekhyun complies. At some point along the way, Jongin had to let go of Baekhyun's hand in order to catch up with Jongdae. Still, the story repeats itself: it was too late. Except that now, the moment he reaches the back door, he narrowly catches a glimpse of a black van dashing away at full speed.  
  


"Call the police!"

  
  


**_December 15th of 2020._ **

  
  


He jumps off the bed, one more fucking time.

The first thing he wants to do when he opens his lids is to cry his eyes out. Is he really dreaming the same thing over and over again? But then, why does he remember everything in great detail and so vividly? Maybe he hasn’t gotten enough sleep since… how many days have passed? 

Baekhyun enters the room: an aspirin, water, his shirt, a forehead kiss, fixing his tie. It’s all the same and he can’t do anything but worry. This is getting too real.

  
 _  
__“Are we going to visit Jongdae after graduation?”_

Jongin is so, _so_ tired and fed up with those words. 

They’re in the car on their way to lunch. He just doesn’t feel right, he doesn’t feel happy, everything that’s been happening to him doesn’t make sense. What are those dreams? Are they real? Is life trying to tell him something? Is it him who has to save Jongdae? There were a lot of details that were missing from that night, because how on earth could one disappear without leaving any trace. Nevertheless, the world is a scary place. 

He wants to share his worries, tell Baekhyun about his constant weird and vivid dreams —he would if he didn’t feel like Baekhyun was too far away from him even when he’s sitting centimeters away, right next to him.

“Is everything okay?” Jongin puts a hand on his thigh, giving soft caresses over his jeans. 

Expressing emotions is something Jongin tries to be good at since that’s one of Baekhyun’s flaws, so he’s gotta make up for his part and speak up for both. 

“Baekhyun” He calls so his boyfriend can stop facing the window. “I really want to marry you”

He hears a sigh that actually hurts more than words. “Again with that? Seriously, Jongin, stop it”

“Why do you always just straight up say no? Don’t you think it's enough?”

“Yes” Baekhyun starts, “but we don’t even have proper jobs yet. I can’t just depend on you, you know. We cannot depend on each other, Jongin”

“Isn’t that what we are doing right now? What kind of reasoning is that?”

Jongin takes a deep breath, trying to remain level headed.

“Love, think about it…” Their fingers intertwine, and Jongin kisses the back of Baekhyun’s hand. “We can talk about this later, we just have to–”

“No”  
  


The way his heart shrinks is too painful. The cracks that build up are nothing compared to the straight-up rejection Baekhyun’s grants him over and over again, the repetition being a constant even before all the mess of the recurring dreams began. The one he loves the most, the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Apparently, the love of his life thinks otherwise and it seems that he will never change his mind.

  
  
“Do you… Do you still love me, Baek?”

“It’s not about that. I love you. But…”

  
  
“It's always I love you _but…_ But what!” Jongin screams, later muttering a shy ‘sorry’ for raising his voice. “But what, Baekhyun”

His boyfriend retracts his hand from his own. The emptiness is too heavy. 

“I don’t think we should get married… at least not now, Jongin”  
  


Jongin gulps and the weird feeling he had this morning is coming back, maybe tears. “At least not now” He repeats. Okay, that means there’s an open possibility, maybe in the future, he can convince him to finally settle down. 

But Baekhyun continues and he loses it.

“We are so young, we’re 24 for god’s sake… you’re my first boyfriend” 

“Well, that’s a great way to make up an excuse. You’re my first boyfriend too! What's the problem with that?”

  
  
“All I’m saying is that we don’t know if we may find somebody else and then you’ll regret marrying _me?_ In the future? Think about it!”

“What- What kind of bullshit is that?! Don’t you mean _you_ are the one who’s going to regret being married to me?!”

Baekhyun all of a sudden has no words to retort with.

“You’re always like this. With your doubts and your what-ifs, why do you even bother with dating me if you really think you will find someone better no matter how many years we date?”

Baekhyun remains silent. 

Jongin slows down because he’s about to pop a vessel. “Are you just waiting for that _someone better_ to arrive so you can ditch me on the spot?”

“Why don’t you focus on driving? You’re gonna cause an accident” Baekhyun's voice turns icy and his grip on the steering wheel tightens. 

“I really can’t get your antics sometimes. This is so tiring, Baekhyun, waiting for something that’s never going to happen with you”

There’s even _more_ silence. Jongin is literally crying at this point because everything he once knew is falling apart. 

Baekhyun is the first one to break the ice and the first to surrender in the relationship.

“I… We… I think we should take a break”

  
  
“Oh come on, don’t fucking pull a Ross on me right now!”

  
  
“Jongin, I’m serious! This isn’t going to work if you’re like this every time you think about marriage, we were doing so well! Can’t you wait until graduation, at least?”

Jongin finally pulls over in front of the restaurant, but he has no intention to move.

  
  
“No, I need to know now” He takes off his seatbelt so he can face him this time. “So what you’re telling me is you want to explore more?”

“You are a fucking child!”

“And so are you! We are the same! Just say you don’t want to be with me” Blinded by anger and frustration, he punches the steering wheel a couple of times. “I will never be enough for you, Baekhyun. And I am done”

  
  
“What? Jongin you just can’t-”

“You know what? Get the fuck out”

“Jong-”

  
  
“Get! The fuck! Out! I don’t want to see you right now, I just… I need to be without you”

Resigned, Baekhyun gets off the car.

Baekhyun, who loves him endlessly but is afraid he will never be able to make Jongin happy. He doesn’t want to feel attached to someone even when they’re already on each other’s pockets. But yes, ultimately he wishes to explore with other people, to discover how life without Jongin is.

There are no graduation pictures with his friends this time, no intentions about going to visit Jongdae or the stupid flower shop.  
  


He sends the speech to Kyungsoo so he can take his place in the podium. 

_Kyungsoo texts him back._

_  
__  
__“You okay?”_

Baekhyun texts him seconds later.

  
  
_“Are you gonna miss your own graduation? Really, Jongin? Come on, we can talk this through”_   
  


If he wants to skip his own graduation, he will. He’s aware he’s being petty, he’s being unreasonable, but he really hoped Baekhyun would eventually reciprocate his feelings. During a long, heavy talk with the pillow, Jongin falls asleep.

Then there’s nothing but darkness. 


	4. Park Chanyeol

####  **_December 15th of 2016._ **

He wakes up heartbroken.

His four-year-old relationship was far from being perfect. Who was he trying to fool? Baekhyun would never want to marry him, he would never want to spend a lifetime by his side, making vows and gifting each other stupid cheesy stuff would never be his thing. 

“Kill me, god, kill me. What have I done to you?” As dramatic as he can get, he hugs the biggest pillow he’s got and cries until he’s dried out.

Three hours later, after a shower and a poor meal, Jongin’s still wrapped between sweets and candy wraps. He even tried to recreate that delicious hot chocolate Baekhyun would make for him every time he was upset. After burning his tongue and tasting his disgusting creation, he cries a little bit more.

He doesn't know what time it is, but he's sure Jongdae's going to call him any minute. Even though he feels like someone is slowly tearing his heart apart, Jongin has to do something. For some reason, he always returns there, to his own apartment, where no one is yet by his side, how he should always begin: all alone. 

No. He has Jongdae; there, in 2016, he has Jongdae and he can't afford to let him go. Maybe if he manages to save him he could... he could start over again. Could he bring Jongdae back to life? He was willing to risk it all to find out. 

And he really needs a friend right now. He may not be able to vent on Jongdae about Baekhyun because he's probably going to say he’s crazy, but he can pretend anything: that he's broken a nail, that he's watched a very sad video, that he has explosive diarrhea and his stomach hurts—anything. He just wants to cry surrounded by best friend's arms now that he has the chance. 

His cell phone finally rings.

"Jongdae, hi” The second he answers, he begins to cry helplessly, although he by all means tries to keep quiet so his friend can’t catch on it.

“Hi, buddy. Ready for partying tonight until we die?”

Jongin feels a tug in his heart. “That’s not funny, Dae. That’s.. That’s awful” His voice, totally high pitched now because of the tears he’s trying to hold in, gives Jongdae a clear message of what's going on.

“Jongin, are you alri-?”

  
“Let's stay at home... Don't go to the party. Stay with me." 

Jongdae doesn’t seem to appreciate that idea.

"Please... Please, I really don't want to go to that party. I feel bad and I need you”

He knows he sounds really out of character at that moment but he can’t come up with anything else. Or...

“Instead, why don’t we celebrate here at my house? Our first year of college”

“Oh! Want me to invite some friends? Oh, want me to invite that kid you like… Byun was his last name? You know I suck at names. He might cheer you up”

He cries harder.

“... No. Everyone but him”

“Your wish is my command, sir”

Half an hour later his house is full of people. Jongdae, Luhan, Chanyeol, Minseok, and his other childhood friend, Kyungsoo—not as close to him as with Jongdae, but he still loved him dearly. He was happy that they could celebrate there, at home. This way his best friend would have no possibility of disappearing, there was no way they would be separated from now on. No more roses or lilies every year.    
  


That makes him happy. Finally, after great sacrifice and a painful lesson, his heart's at ease. 

"You know I love you, right? You're my best friend... and I would never let anything happen to you, okay?" Jongin, full-on alcohol, can’t keep his mouth shut.

"Shit, bro, me too. I love you so much. You're not my best friend. You're my brother." They're both crying while hugging each other and the rest of the people stares at them like they are crazy—maybe they are, a little. Kyungsoo, the quietest of them all, starts sniffing too because he finds the scene too adorable and heartwarming. 

A beer is enough for him to start flirting with the first person he comes across. Park Chanyeol is sitting there in all his glory, spread legs taking up most of the space on the loveseat, and he cannot help but be drawn in like a moth to the light. 

“Hey”

_ “Jongin-ah, hey”  _ His deep voice sounds right on his ears, too close.

They end up on his own bed with Chanyeol shamelessly getting into his pants. Jongin lets him take care of him that night, wanting to forget all his worries for a bit. 

  
  


#####  **_December 15th, 2020_ **

He wakes up feeling relieved.

"Good morning, my love" Park Chanyeol comes to kiss him on the forehead and presses a couple of little pecks to his cheeks. It feels strange but he doesn't feel alienated, perhaps because it has been four years and they seem to be in a wonderful relationship. Even though he does not remember anything at all, the warm feeling of belonging to Chanyeol is more than welcomed. 

He carefully inspects the apartment. Baekhyun's pile of dirty clothes is gone, his favorite paintings, the little notes that he used to leave on the nightstand. It's all gone. Instead, everything is clean and tidy, as a substitute of the notes there are several instruments, and in place of a little grumpy guy, there is now this giant with beautiful ears, a whole ball full of love. Love that should be reciprocated. He just hoped to do it soon.

There’s still an aspirin, a glass of water and Jongin's shirt.

“Are we going to visit Jongdae after graduation?”

_ Oh no.  _

“What? You forgot the dinner?"

"Dinner?"

“His parents are holding this huge dinner in celebration for our graduation. It’s a big deal! Aren’t you excited, love? It’s today”

His soul returns to his body and the oxygen comes back to his lungs.

“Yeah… finally”

  
“Now go shower, we’re gonna be late for lunch” Jongin wants to burst into tears but he composes himself and takes the initiative to kiss Chanyeol on the lips.    


He's never been so happy to have lunch with his friends. All the way to the restaurant he couldn't stop moving, he's even singing out loud and Chanyeol happily accompanies him to sing old songs way out of tune and without fully knowing the lyrics of the random beats played on the radio. The reason for his happiness is there, sitting by at the very end of the establishment, smile as wide as ever and waving his arms towards them. Jongdae looks perfect in his suit. Jongin could cry over how happy it makes him just to see his best friend sharing his graduation day with him. 

During lunch, he notices that Kyungsoo is now in a relationship with Minseok. It's strangely funny not seeing him with Chanyeol anymore, but he must admit they look adorable together and he's happy with Chanyeol now. Luhan is still the most beautiful person he's ever seen, but something about him still bothers him. Jongin just has to find out what it is. 

“Is your speech ready?” Kyungsoo asks Jongdae during dessert. 

“Speech?” Jongin wonders. 

“Oh shit, we are really late, we gotta move now. The ceremony starts in half an hour and I can’t be late”

  
  
“Yes but what speech?”

  
  
“Ah, about this kid, I’ll tell you later!”

After receiving their diplomas, Jongdae stands proudly in front of hundreds of students. 

Jongin should've noticed that someone was missing. 

  
"Hello, graduates of the class of 2020" Jongdae begins and he couldn't be more proud. "Today, we harvest all those fruits that we have been growing through all these years, fruits full of our efforts, sweat and tears. These years have taught us to be patient, persistent, and above all, disciplined. Yes, if you’re here it's not because someone else did it for you. Each one of you pushed yourselves to be better, to be able to be standing there, holding your diplomas. Don’t let it go to waste, people. Let yourself be proud of your achievements”

Then he finds out. 

“There’s something else that I want to talk about today. We also must remember Byun Baekhyun. Have you heard of him? Out of nowhere, he went missing on a day like this, on the 15th of December of 2016, the unfortunate event occurred during the annual party we all know. That was the last time we had the opportunity to see Baekhyun alive. To this day we still don’t know what happened to him. His friends entrusted me to speak for them today, in expressing the deep agony that friends and family experience every day without this wonderful human, Baekhyun was their little light. He was to become a law student like many of us, with many expectations and dreams to fulfill. I didn’t get to know his real personality, but from what I got to know about him, I can tell that he was a very focused, competitive person and student. Hell, he was always trying to outdo me in the final exams and I hated him for it. I’m honored to have had him as my rival, by challenging me he turned into a great source of motivation to do better, and now here I am, about to graduate along with all of you.

Byun Baekhyun would be graduating with us today too, so... I want you all to give a loud applause to him”

Jongin can’t stand the pain anymore. He tries to sneak out while everyone is standing up, clapping as loud as they can for Baekhyun to hear. Chanyeol grabs his arm before he vanishes among the crowd. 

“Baby, where are you going?”   
  


“I need some fresh air”   
  


“I’ll go with you”

Next, they find themselves in Jongin’s car, driving aimlessly. 

The only thing on his mind is Baekhyun. 

He's done everything wrong again. It was like giving up on one life to save another life and that was breaking him inside once again. He was no God or divine being to decide who deserved to live. He doesn't know at what point he started crying, realizing that his efforts are really useless. They were  _ all  _ useless. 

Chanyeol doesn’t make any questions but comforts him anyway by gently wiping away the tears with his big thumbs. Jongin wonders what would happen if he tries to save Baekhyun. Would Chanyeol be next? Or Kyungsoo? Minseok? Luhan? 

“Love. I want to tell you something”

Jongin turns to look at him, not being able to make out the expression on the other’s face but something feels... off. His eyes look extra sparkly for some reason.

“I was planning to wait until the graduation pictures, but…” Chanyeol pulls out a little velvety box, which reveals a beautiful silver ring, on which were inlaid a bunch of beautiful tiny diamonds. 

“Will you marry me, Kim Jongin?”

That’s all it took for him to become a literal waterfall, crying nonstop. Was it that easy for Chanyeol? Was it that complicated for Baekhyun? Was Chanyeol that in love? Or did Jongin look that desperate in Baekhyun’s eyes?

  
For Chanyeol, it's been four years of a happy and stable relationship. For Jongin, it’s been just a night full of hormones, mixed feelings and a broken heart. He feels bad for doing that to Chanyeol, for using him, for  — in a way, allowing a relationship to bloom from a broken heart. 

What’s with them, anyways, proposing on cars?

He doesn’t notice he’s been keeping his eyes away from the road for too long, his sight is blurry from the tears but he can still see his boyfriend’s face perfectly.

“I’m… I’m sorry Chanyeol, but I can’t…”

“Jongin, watch out!”

  
  
Darkness is welcomed for the fourth time.


	5. Kim Minseok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of blood, kidnapping, gunshots and mild character death.

**_December 15th, 2016._ **

The pain wakes him up this time.  
  


Not physical pain like before, but the pain of remembering the look on Chanyeol's face when he was about to say no to his proposal. He sobs uncontrollably as he contemplates the impossibility of it all, how could Chanyeol ever be happy with someone like him? Someone who didn't deserve him. Maybe that's what Baekhyun felt all that time every time Jongin proposed to him... And remembering Baekhyun only makes him cry even more. How the hell can he feel so useless in life? And in multiple lives at that.

And yeah, he’s not doing much to save their friend’s life right now, but he’s so tired at this point that he ran out of ideas on what to do.

  
  
_Ah shit, here we go again._

His mind is a mess as he finally gets out of bed.

Things with Minseok happen without them even realizing it but the outcome is worse. They find each other when Jongin is hiding in a little corner to avoid Baekhyun and Chanyeol, while Minseok hopes to mend his broken heart after he escapes the sight of Jongdae sucking Luhan’s lips nonstop.

Minseok is older than him, a respected chef with several restaurants. He could be anywhere, but he seems to stick around Jongdae just because he’s used as Jongdae’s tissue every time he fights with Luhan or the latter dumps him. 

  
“It’s not fair” Minseok almost cries “I was the one who introduced them to each other… Luhan knew I liked Jongdae since the beginning”

They spend the night together. There, in the middle of that big ass party where everything is sin and wildness, are two broken hearts in need of healing, which they find in each other’s embrace when the alcohol in their systems is just enough to make them more daring, more prone to follow their hormones unashamed, both willing to make each other forget about their pain by giving into the intense desire flowing through their bodies. 

Still, with all the physical activity in the last hour, he remembers that he is there for a reason. To save Jongdae and Baekhyun. 

“Minseok, I need you to help me… Something’s gonna happen to Jongdae and I need to stop that from happening”

It takes him a long time to convince Minseok to help him and he must swear to the Gods that he is not going crazy because of the alcohol, he isn’t even tipsy. With one look at his wristwatch, he tries to figure out more or less the time when Jongdae would be calling a taxi. 

If his plan works perfectly, everything will be a success. He’s noticed that Jongdae always disappears after he passes the club's door, and after that, it's like he vanishes into thin air. He needs to capture the being so inhuman that he's capable of kidnapping a poor boy without much to offer. Or maybe... it was because he was the son of Kim Nuclear Inc., the most important one in the country. But why now? 

"You have to call the police, now!"

There's a situation that Jongin didn't think of from the beginning. He was facing dangerous people. Someone in the crowd catches Jongdae and attacks him from behind, covering his mouth so he doesn't scream. Jongin's blood boils when he sees a weapon pressed right into his best friend's back. 

The assailant notices the presence of both boys and starts shooting in their direction. He was scared of getting shot, but he was more afraid of not saving his friend’s life.

They were about to scream victory when the kidnapper started running towards the van’s direction. The plans were ruined but that didn’t mean they couldn’t cause any damage. There was no hesitation when he pulled the trigger a couple of times.

Jongin can't hear anything but the deafening screams, the shots, the screech of the vehicle. He can only watch as his best friend falls to the ground in incredible slow motion and he runs to catch him before he hits the pavement. 

Minseok was busy calling the police and not soon enough other people called for an ambulance. 

“No, no, no, no. Jongdae, no, please..” Jongin slaps him in the face, which increases in intensity as the other loses consciousness. 

Luhan is one of the last people that get out of the club and joins the crowd that now surrounds them, but he leaves just in time to watch Kim Jongdae die in Kim Jongin's arms.   
  
  


_**December 15th, 2020** _

  
  
Jongin wakes up with his heart in his mouth. His chest is aching really badly and from the moment he opens his eyes, the tears won’t stop flowing.

  
  
The situation is getting out of hand. 

The first thing he does when he sees his now-boyfriend enters the room is run to hug him and cry in his arms. Obviously, it is the fourth anniversary of Jongdae's death, and there are no other words to describe everything he feels at that very moment. He can swear that he can still feel the blood on his hands as he tried to cover his wounds, how Jongdae’s body temperature dropped dramatically until he finally passed away on top of him.

"I know, my darling... Let it out."

And he does for a couple of minutes. 

“Are we gonna visit Jongdae after your graduation?”

“Yes” He must look the ugliest when he cries, he needs to run to the bathroom to clean possible snot and saliva, “I wanna buy him some lilies”

It's graduation day, but this time there's no lunch with his friends at their usual restaurant. In lieu of that, Minseok prepared something special for him as a part of his graduation gift. Minseok doesn't really feel like his partner sometimes, although that's quickly forgotten when he remembers that intense night back in 2016.  
  


His hyung kisses his blush away and caresses the heated skin. The contact doesn’t break and Jongin feels the need to pull his body against his own. 

"We don't have to dirty anything. We still have a lot of time” He discovers Minseok is a naughty, kinky man. And even though his conscience is constantly reminding him that this shouldn’t be right, that they shouldn’t be together, the wave of feelings of those last four years allow him to continue without any regrets, letting himself be loved by Minseok again and again before he leaves for college. 

Chanyeol introduces them to his new girlfriend, and Baekhyun seems to be dating Kyungsoo. Life certainly works in amazing ways. He never imagined Kyungsoo with someone with Baekhyun’s personality but they seem lovey-dovey from where he’s standing.  
  


Life does work in amazing, unbelievable ways. 

Because in front of them, Luhan’s standing in the podium. 

  
  


“Hello, graduates from 2020. My name is Luhan, and as a graduate of this wonderful university, I would like to congratulate you for all the effort you have put in all the years you have invested here. It doesn't matter if it was four, five, six years... We all made it in the end. Today is your day and you have every right to celebrate it as you wish. Enjoy your new chapter in life at your heart’s content. 

I decided to stand here in front of you all to talk about something that you have already probably heard of. It was on this exact same day that Kim Jongdae, one of our students, was killed by his suspected kidnapper. This should be a warning for all of you people. It might have happened four years ago, but it’s not less concerning. Jongdae was a bright star among us… smart, so smart and so creative… I, as his partner at that time, still can’t believe what happened to him. Why would something so cruel occur to someone so innocent? So please don’t forget Kim Jongdae and keep him in your hearts, because every day could be your last; every day you could be a ‘goodbye’ away from your loved ones”  
  


Never in his life, Jongin would've imagined that he would hear such hypocrite words. Luhan speaking on behalf of Jongdae? That should've been him. Between the sadness of remembering his friend and the indignation raging through his whole being, furious tears start to brim out of his eyes.

Do you know why Jongin calls him a hypocrite? In every timeline, on every possible occasion, Luhan never showed up to the funeral. Never showed up to show his respects to Jongdae when the latter invested his time and effort loving him and trying to make him happy. 

  
“Shh, baby, everything’s okay. I’m here for you”

  
  
“That should have been me. Jongdae always deserved better, Minseok”

  
  
“I know, I know, sweetheart” His boyfriend tries to do his best to calm him down. 

He's still crying on their way to the cemetery with a huge bouquet of lilies. Minseok drives this time because maybe he’s the one who causes the accidents after all, although… it doesn’t matter if he drives or not. 

They never make it there.


	6. Lu Han

####  **_December 15th, 2016._ **

It's the most anticipated party of the year and everyone from the university is invited to go completely nuts before Christmas. Jongin and Jongdae have been waiting for this great event since their cute friend from senior year told them about it.

Luhan, the cutest boy he’s ever seen. If it wasn't because Jongdae himself said that he was falling in love with him, he would have made a move already. He’s not going to lie, though; he had the fattest crush on the Chinese boy. What did it matter if he was a senior or a couple of years older? But among the two, Jongdae was bolder—his friend, who got ahead of him and enchanted Luhan’s heart in the blink of an eye. Jongin did nothing more than respect their relationship. 

At that awaited party, far from the city, people with raging hormones and crazy instincts were willing to do anything. Jongin was one of those because he was _tired_ of everything. It was the party of the year and he wasn't going to waste any second.

From the first moment he passed through the door of the nightclub, everything fell apart.

He remembered all the times Jongin has seen Jongdae leave. His teary eyes, his sad aura, the urgency to leave… then Luhan trying to look for him around the club. He senses Luhan has something to do with Jongdae leaving early... He doesn't know what though. It's the thousandth time he's trying to spare his friend a tragedy that doesn't seem to end. 

As they walk around the club, the anxiety begins to rise. Jongdae goes for the first shots to warm up their throats, as usual. With the nervousness eating him away, he finally speaks.

“Luhan, can we talk?”

“Sure, yeah”

"In private"

He receives a curious look from the elder, but it doesn’t take him more than a second to accept his proposal. He needs to distract his friend's boyfriend before they both disappear into the crowd. Later, after they had their shot, he grabs Luhan by the hand.

"Jongdae, I'm going to introduce some friends to Luhan, I think they're working on the same field so it probably would bore you. See you later? I think Minseok hyung came by today, go say hi? And say hi to him for me”

"Okay?" 

Finally, they have like an hour to talk, to prevent Jongdae from leaving.

He gets Luhan to the most secluded place in the club. Not so private, actually, since it’s the hall that leads to the bathrooms.

“Uhm” In reality, he doesn’t even know what he’s going to say now that he has his full attention. “Nice jacket”

  
  
Luhan frowns. 

“Thank you, I guess… Seriously, are you gonna kiss me or something? Don’t waste my time, kid. Stop blushing”

Jongin is initially surprised but then thinks for a second, that’s really not a bad idea—wait, no, he was talking about his best friend’s boyfriend. But the idea was to keep Luhan as far as he could from Dae, no matter what it took. For now, this seemed like the only way.

His old crush kisses him first. It’s rough and messy and so good he melts into the intense touch. After all... he can’t deny it, he always wondered what a kiss with Luhan would feel like. But as good as it feels, deep down he knows this is absolutely wrong.

He repeats to himself this is the only way.

Luhan is the one who asks him to take it there, in a bathroom cubicle that's too narrow. The first thing that comes to his mind is Baekhyun.

What Jongin would never imagine is that Jongdae, in an attempt to find his boyfriend, would have found them kissing in the middle of the corridor leading to the toilets.

Which can hurt more? A gunshot or the betrayal of your best friend and the love of your life? We all know the answer: the bullet, but the damage from a betrayal is so great that there are no words to even describe the way Jongdae felt that fateful night. He wished he was blind so he wouldn't see Luhan press against Jongin... he wished he was deaf so he wouldn't hear Luhan suggesting he should fuck him in the bathroom, or hear Jongin agreeing to it.

_**December 15th, 2020** _

Jongin wakes up alone. No boyfriends, no aspirins, no forehead kisses. He should’ve imagined this from Luhan and he’s not surprised.

  
  
Jongin decides not to go to his graduation ceremony despite the intense calls he gets from his friends, but he has something to do before it's too late and the loop starts all over again. Even so, he dresses up in his suit and speeds up on the highway in an effort to get to the cemetery before it starts pouring rain, fabric too expensive to be ruined.

This is the first time in a long time that he has managed to see his grave. And at last, he can lay the lilies on top. "You like them? They're so pretty... I know how much you liked pretty things.”

He let’s silence wash over them for a moment.

“Jongdae... you know what's happening to me, right?” Jongin forgets about the suit and sits on the floor, carefully playing with the flowers.

“I don’t know what to do to save you… Every time I try something different it gets worse and I can’t bear to see you suffer. You… You literally died on my arms once. And now you might or might not be alive and I wouldn’t know because I… I am such a shitty friend”

He asks for redemption to an empty coffin. He just hopes Jongdae is listening to him, somewhere.

“I made your boyfriend cheat on you with me… I preferred my ex over you… I didn’t catch you on time. I didn’t take that bullet for you...”

Rain comes with a bunch of terrible thunders. 

“Please give me a sign, Dae…”

_5:47:55_

“Please"

_5:47:58_

_  
_ “I don’t know what to do”

  
_5:48:00_


End file.
